Public bathrooms. They entice me. Primarily because you’re never quite sure when you’re going to get one of those little helpers to hand you a paper towel, which makes me think “why don’t I have one of those?. I’m above paper towel dispensers, damnit!” But most of the time, female public bathrooms leave little to be desired (except maybe the ones that have sinks INSIDE the stall…Dare. To. Dream).
It doesn’t matter if you’re at a restaurant, work or school. The 4-stall-at-minimum women’s restroom will never be empty for more than 7 seconds. It serves for both function and as an excuse. My issue is not that women linger at the sink to check themselves out (I rather enjoy the silent social awkwardness), my issue is the sink. And the toilet. I leave with wet hands and a wetter butt.
Nearly every bathroom has an automatic flush. No one wants to touch a handle someone just used to wipe their ass. Guys only have to do that half the time so clearly it’s not a pressing issue. Thing is, it never flushes at the right time. If stalls had two-way mirrors you’d see me practicing my best duck and cover form (airplane emergency-style), pants around my ankles, to avoid setting off the flush sensor. It still goes off and I’m left with a water ring imprint on my pants.
Feeling defeated, I go to cleanse the sin off my hands (now there’s a visual for you). I follow the same 3 steps every time. Wet my hands. Lather. Rinse. My first approach to the sink is experimental and takes a few horizontal and lateral hand movements to find the sensor. Fine. Hands dripping, I lather up and remembering the precise location I placed my hands the first time. I attack. Little fucker’s never in the same place twice. A row of hands in search of that little red sensor.
Up. Down. Left. Right. Shimmy shimmy. Jazz hands! SUCCESS!
….for 3 seconds.
Repeat looking like a degenerate then fuck it, your ass is already wet, just wipe em.
Guys, this all must be pretty foreign to you since you rarely flush and never wash your hands. Better luck relating on the next post.