(un)happy travels!

A classical take on Thanksgiving: an all-American tradition consisting of a whole lotta family bonding, tryptophan and boozin.

A college students view of Thanksgiving: a valid excuse to skip the last day of class, procrastinate looming final projects and tests and drink copious amounts of alcohol with mom, crazy Uncle Jim and that family friend whose hugs always linger too long when you say goodbye.

A mutual hatred: Holiday travel.

Flying for me is like trying to snuggle with a bucking horse. I’ve got terrible airport anxiety. No matter what you say, 4 hours is not enough time to trudge through baggage, security, and the full body checks (TSA and I are bff’s). Suffice to say, traveling on Wednesday, the busiest travel day of the year, is out of the question.

I hate to say it, but everything went pretty smoothly. I checked in online the night before and paid for baggage (never over 50 lbs, scouts honor) making it to my gate without a scratch. Bring it, flight gods. I DARE YOU. Too cocky? Nay, I say confidence!

Boarding group 1…..2….3….4…look lady stop beating around the bush, ya could’ve just said, “Okay, let’s get everyone on the plane so there’s no overhead compartment space and we watch Ms. Halle (pronounced HALE, you know, like KALE? Right.) work the aisle, modeling this seasons ‘I’d rather be anywhere but here’ look.

Row 40 seat D: the shitter in front of the lavatory with the seat that doubles as a neck brace. When you ask me why I smell like car freshener and toilet, you’ll know why. Those marks on my stomach? Oh no, those aren’t birthmarks, they’re bruises from the Masshole in front of me who mistook his chair for a beach lounge chair.

Fast forward to: that awkward moment you wake up from a 4 hour nap on your neighbors shoulder, chin crusted with dried drool, which was really only 35 minutes. 5 more hours to nurse that complimentary Diet Coke and a $7 cheese pack complete with a grape, slice of processed cheddar cheese and an almond.

Also, why does Morgan Freeman narrate every Nat Geo documentary?


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